I was always taught to earn things by myself through hard work, but I just cannot seem to catch a break. Everything just keeps getting worse. I cannot seem to stop the slide. The job I have taken that was to rescue me actually made things worse by not covering moving costs. I am literally working myself back onto the streets.
The last two years have been a nightmare I just cannot seem to wake up from.
To be honest I have tried to end my life several times under this pressure, out of shame, out of hopelessness. The situation looks impossible. My industry has shut down here, and being transgender makes getting work difficult overseas, plus I am loathe to leave my son behind- he lives in Canberra with my family. I had to move a nine hour drive away for work.
Last week, I gave up. It was too hard. I rang emergency services because I was suicidal, the police that came where, unfortunately, transphobic. Rather than helping me and getting me the attention I needed to save my life, they taunted me, inflamed the situation, and when I tried to end my life on the spot they drove me to the ground, hand cuffed me and, unbelievably, peppersprayed me: an unarmed woman begging for help. It isn't like in the films... pepperspray is an agonizing ordeal that lasts hours. After processing (for, get this, assaulting a police officer) I was finally dumped, blinded (no contact lenses left) outside the police station- still with no help. Having called for help to save my life, they made it immeasurably worse. This is the transphobia I had heard about, but only have just now encountered first hand. I don't have words to describe how horrible things have been.
So, with great shame I have come to a point where I have to admit that cannot survive without charity. I have the means and skills to get myself out of the hole but large ticket items are standing in my way and I just cannot get to a point where I can cover those costs. My PC's are dead and so I cannot freelance or get to my showreel to get a VFX job... however someone kindly donated a PC, so if I can ship them here to Melbourne from Sydney, I can switch the drives over and get back to business.
I need desperately to:
* Replace the contact lenses the police destroyed with the pepperspray. - I cannot afford to lose another contact lens. I need to see to work.
* Get my hormone levels checked and my estrogen implant replaced. It should have been removed months ago.
* Ship up my belongings to Melbourne, allowing me to transplant my HDDs to the old PC friends donated to me (♥), and get my ability to freelance and my showreel back online. This will also gives me kitchen utensils, bedding, art materials and restore me to a functioning household. Currently I have to eat out for every meal- it is killing me both financially and having to eat junk to keep costs down. Once I have my stuff and a pc I can ebay a lot of my collection off to raise funds.
* Cover my rent over the Xmas period when the industry shuts down and there are zero jobs (I am looking at retail jobs to cover myself but a 40 year old transgender woman is pretty unlikely to find one... still, fingers crossed).
And hopefully if I can raise enough...
* Travel to Canberra to see my son for X-Mas. I want to be there for his first Christmas.
* Fix a damaged tooth before it becomes a serious problem.
*Pay for proper therapy to manage the stress of my situation.
* Bring my credit card debt I ran up whilst I was sick and unemployed down as much as possible to stop the cycle of fees and interest charges eating my income. My moratorium ends in December.
* Pay upkeep on my business websites to keep my folio online. Get Darkling back up to where I can make sales again.
If you can donate, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
GO FUND ME: https://www.gofundme.com/e2aakrjv
|Happier Times: Me and one of my babies, The Skaarj from UT2004.|